Remembering Jolee

On Friday afternoon, July 27, 2018, , while I was coming back from the laundry room in my mobile home park, I had a young neighbor male approach me.

I have lived in this park for ten years and when I moved in, he had just graduated from high school in San Leandro. Now he is still living with his dad and younger brother and now has a wife/girlfriend and young daughter, all living in the tiny, one bedroom mobile home. I have remained on friendly terms with his father and on and off with his younger brother. However, despite my attempts, this older son, who I will call Hal, stopped talking to me and acknowledging my “hello’s” several years ago. As I found out along the way, he was doing drugs and drinking and hanging out with the wrong crowd, which isn't tough knowing that we are in San Leandro and a half a mile from the Oakland border. Temptations of all sorts are plentiful and it appears he fell victim to them, and, my belief is that it has also sucked in his brother. He father appears to be sober, and I am unsure about his girlfriend/wife since he has always been quite stoic towards me. Their daughter is super friendly and always enjoys petting my dogs when I walk by the house.

Going back to the top, on Friday afternoon, as his daughter was out front of their house and petting my dogs, Hal walks up to me and says, “I want to apologize for all the years of ………” Fill in the blanks of what an AA amends would sound like for someone going through the program and following the 12 steps. I immediately recognized what he was doing, and as I have been told to do by other people doing this program, don’t engage them in a conversation and just acknowledge what they are saying since the act of what they are doing is the hardest part. I said, “OK. I understand” and I turned and walked away.

As I was walking back to my house with my completed laundry stacked on the cart behind me in one hand and Rebel on a leash in the other hand, I had memories flooding back to me about my Aunt Jolee. Why? Because she was also an obvious alcoholic for the vast majority of her life, however, for some unknown reason, which I still can’t understand, she was not as lucky as Hal and got into some sort of rehab and had a chance to see her nieces and nephews and sister and the family members grow old? She was 49 years old when she was found unconscious in her home in Marin County by her boyfriend. She was rushed to the hospital and never woke up. I don’t remember the exact year of that horrible day, but I believe it was sometime between 1998 and 2000. The above photo is Jolee and my mom from an unknown year, but my guess is around 1995, based on their looks. There is 20 years difference between these only siblings, and Jolee was more like an older sister to us, rather than an aunt.

To my knowledge, Jolee never went into any type of program or rehab. I have no memories of that occurring. My adult memories are of a person who was always drunk and smoking cigarettes. My child memories are of a very fun person who always played some type of board game with me and my brothers and sisters on holidays and visits. I also remember eating quiche for the first time when Jolee stayed with us in Daly City in the late 1970’s while my parents went to Hawaii for a long overdue vacation. I remember her husbands and boyfriends, who were always super nice to me and my siblings. Jolee was always nice, also.

What happened? Who failed Jolee? Did Jolee fail herself? Could I have done something to help her? Did someone at sometime tell her to go to rehab and she refused? I remember my parents serving her drink after drink after drink at our house when she visited and then she drove home. I do remember thinking whether she would make it home or whether she would kill someone. She always made it home and never killed anyone on the road.

At her services in Golden Gate park, one of her lifelong friends said, “She was always taking it to the limit,” quoting the Eagles song, which everyone knew was one of Jolee’s favorite bands. However, I do remember not laughing at this comment because her pastime of “taking it to the limit” was what killed her. Around this time of her services is when I never took another drop of alcohol because all I have seen was destruction from alcohol. I have seen nothing good come of that garbage. I would support Prohibition if it came up for a vote again.

So, back to my neighbor and his attempt at sobriety. I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world, dude. You deserve it. I hope you can stay away from your drug dealing friends. Listen to your father. He is a smart man. If you can’t do it for yourself, then do it for your daughter, who deserves to have a father be alive for her graduations and weddings and children and other successes in her life.